Dear Coach Bryant,
After going on a college visit with my daughter, my partner drafted a long email thanking the coach who is recruiting her. My daughter saw the draft and felt self-conscious about it, saying she didn’t want him to send an email. I’m not sure who to agree with. I’m not trying to send a fruit basket but it feels borderline rude not to send any follow-up at all. What’s the general rule for parents communicating with recruiting coaches?
Eager in East Lake
Dear Eager,
It’s always good to see parents take the temperature of an action before going through with it. Sometimes, people act on their first impulse and don’t consider how their endeavors could affect the overall recruitment process. Let me break it down:
Let your child lead the way
Before you draft an email to a coach, ask yourself: Could my child be doing this instead? When you’re with a coach in person on a recruitment visit, don’t jump in to finish your daughter’s sentences. She is approaching adulthood, and making confident conversation is a skill she needs to develop. Remind her to make eye contact and ask relevant questions. Practice those skills before the visit (despite the eye rolls) and she will become her own best advocate.
Keep it short and sweet
Yes, as a parent, you can write a short thank you note or email to the coach. Don’t get carried away; simply thank them for their time. Try not to add in a litany of new facts (like awards or accomplishments). Those are things that your child should mention, when relevant, over the course of the recruitment process. And your child should absolutely send her own thank you note, first and foremost.
Don’t leave an impression of being overbearing
If a coach is next to you at a showcase, do introduce yourself and say hello, but this is not the time for a long conversation. They’re primarily watching the recruits, which demands their close attention. The recruiting process is a laborious one, and the last thing you want is a “red flag” in your kid’s file about how you were too assertive (yes, I have seen those notes get added!).
It’s OK to ask about financial aid
Coaches understand that parents need to know the cost of college. You can certainly ask for an estimate of the costs once you decide that the school seems like a good fit. This can be done tactfully, when opportunity allows. It’s assumed that the parent would initiate this particular conversation more often than the recruit.
The Reality
Coaches are evaluating parents to see how involved they are with their kids. Yes, they love to see parents support their children on the sidelines, but in general a hands-off approach during the recruitment process is appreciated. A college coach might even reach out to local coaches in a recruit’s hometown to ask if a particular family is easy to work with and supportive. Start healthy communication habits now.
All the best,
Coach Bryant
