As my 16-year-old son took the field for his soccer team’s State Championship game recently, I felt a mixture of pride and excitement. As I looked around at the other parents settling into their seats, it became obvious that their overriding emotion was extreme nervousness. My own relatively calm demeanor contrasted with another mother when she started exuberantly scream-cheering for her son once play started. She noticed me giggling at her outburst, smiled, and said to me, “Hey, you do you, I’m going to do me!”
Later, I reflected on all the feelings a parent of an athlete can experience, from disappointment to euphoria, and how my own coaching experience has led me to a unique perspective on wins and losses when it comes to being a parent. Every parent supports (and cheers on) their child in their own way, but my coaching career has left me with some insights worth sharing.
The adrenaline rush is real
Back in my coaching days, the impending stress of an upcoming tennis match, especially a national championship, was astounding. I would ride the waves of anticipation and nerves. Afterward, win or lose, I would face a couple of near-sleepless nights as my body fought to overcome the adrenaline rush and heightened emotions. I had to come up with tools to control the stress. Over time I was able to calm myself, adjust my perspective and realize that my coaching was only a piece of the bigger picture. My nighttime hours were not well spent worrying the night before or over-analyzing after the fact.
Our job is to watch
As my own boys grew up and started playing sports, I found myself on the sidelines feeling nervous for them but recognizing that they were the ones under pressure, not me. I would occasionally chastise another parent: “Listen, you don’t need to yell at the refs like that!” while still being sympathetic to their jittery state of mind. Separate yourself from what’s happening as much as you can, since you don’t have any effect on the action on the field.
Be proud of what they learn, win or lose
Make peace with either outcome before your child’s big day arrives. Hope for a win, but also prepare yourself to appreciate the season-long journey and how your child has developed along the way. The lessons are in the experience: the relationships, the team culture and positive growth. The result of one game is just that – not a measure of the worthiness of the endeavor. Be ready to encourage your child to look forward and be excited about playing again.
The Reality
From an anxious coach to a nervous but composed parent spectator, it took me years to mellow out. I have seen every type of supporter – from stoic to maniacal. Finding my equilibrium allows me to set a good example for my son and remind him that a single game is just a part of his journey. The sun will come up tomorrow, regardless of a win or a loss. His team ended up losing the state championship game but he walked away as a leader, with specific ideas about improvement and a positive outlook. I couldn’t be more proud of his attitude and maturity as he took away his own lessons from the game.
